Happy to be offering the usual service of watching #Eurovision2017 so you don't have to. Expect sincerity without diplomacy.
'Expect repetitive flashing images'; music not dissimilar #Eurovision2017
Did everyone get the 'wear black or white' memo? Who was meant to tell Spain? #Eurovision2017
Comedy timing hard in a second language - don't think timing is all our three hosts need though #Eurovision2017
Let's start out with depress mode #Israel feels alive? a liar? a lot? #Eurovision2017
'No one has ever won from position number 2.' Song and dress mainly see-through plus wind, smoke and fiddler #Poland #Eurovision2017
Predicted text prefers walrus to #Belarus hey hey hi i i o o #Eurovision2017
Running on air you can push me down but I'll just get up again. How that work? #Austria #Eurovision2017
#Armenia #Eurovision2017 Already forgotten it. Will probably win.
And welcome the key change please. Big voices. #Netherlands #Eurovision2017
Dresses which got bigger. There's a novelty. Mamma mamma don't bistro now #Moldova #Eurovision2017
Lone dancer, lone fiddler, flames, rap in native tongue and Gareth Bale's missing topknot #Hungary #Eurovision2017
I'm sure those backdrop images were on my doctor's wall yesterday. One or two words in Italian. Dreadful. #Italy #Eurovision2017
Never ever wear a frock in a waterfall. You won't have to sing 'You know where I am' #Denmark #Eurovision2017
Please return my jacket to 1986 and the song to My Fair Lady #Portugal #Eurovision2017
A ladder, a chalkboard and a song about a skeleton. Man with animal head at top of ladder. What could go wrong? #Azerbaijan #Eurovision2017
A man of many parts. None of them small. #Croatia #Eurovision2017
Who knew eyebrow paint was a thing? Everyone has it. But only #Australia have clown shoes and a love that don't come cheap #Eurovision2017
That's the worst response to 'Guys, give yourselves a cheer' I have ever heard #Eurovision2017
The Eurobynumbers department decrees an annual 'throw everything at it' tune. #Greece #Eurovision2017
Never heard it before and got the drum-join bang on. Clap your hands and do it for your lover. #Spain #Eurovision2017
When changing key always agree the key to change to #Eurovision2017
#Norway #Eurovision2017 When it's all or nuffin, put your nerves in the coffin. Cool.
Here's the Brexit test. OK but Midge Ure did it better #UK #Eurovision2017
Let me be your gravity. Science lesson needed. Song not without merit. #Cyprus #Eurovision2017
Rap and yodel. No. Come back. Come back. #Romania #Eurovision2017
The four favourite Euro chords - rhythm Every Breath You Take by The Police. Stands a chance. #Germany #Eurovision2017
Band piercing a plenty. Song less so. Heavy man. #Ukraine #Eurovision2017
Quite under-stated. Nice. Bit like a theme tune to scandinoir #Belgium #Eurovision2017
Is it OK to say frickin? #Eurovision2017
Frickin slick or is it freakin? Tune Beverley Hills Flop #Sweden #Eurovision2017
Quite an accomplished performance for 17. Stands a chance. #Bulgaria #Eurovision2017
Changed direction faster than a Compass in a magnet factory. Legs should win some votes. #France #Eurovision2017
Well done Ukraine for hammering through 26 songs in two hours #Eurovision2017
We're still loved by Iceland then. Trying to hold off the cod war #Eurovision2017
I think a new tension-cranking device has been introduced #Eurovision2017
'Expect repetitive flashing images'; music not dissimilar #Eurovision2017
Did everyone get the 'wear black or white' memo? Who was meant to tell Spain? #Eurovision2017
Comedy timing hard in a second language - don't think timing is all our three hosts need though #Eurovision2017
Let's start out with depress mode #Israel feels alive? a liar? a lot? #Eurovision2017
'No one has ever won from position number 2.' Song and dress mainly see-through plus wind, smoke and fiddler #Poland #Eurovision2017
Predicted text prefers walrus to #Belarus hey hey hi i i o o #Eurovision2017
Running on air you can push me down but I'll just get up again. How that work? #Austria #Eurovision2017
#Armenia #Eurovision2017 Already forgotten it. Will probably win.
And welcome the key change please. Big voices. #Netherlands #Eurovision2017
Dresses which got bigger. There's a novelty. Mamma mamma don't bistro now #Moldova #Eurovision2017
Lone dancer, lone fiddler, flames, rap in native tongue and Gareth Bale's missing topknot #Hungary #Eurovision2017
I'm sure those backdrop images were on my doctor's wall yesterday. One or two words in Italian. Dreadful. #Italy #Eurovision2017
Never ever wear a frock in a waterfall. You won't have to sing 'You know where I am' #Denmark #Eurovision2017
Please return my jacket to 1986 and the song to My Fair Lady #Portugal #Eurovision2017
A ladder, a chalkboard and a song about a skeleton. Man with animal head at top of ladder. What could go wrong? #Azerbaijan #Eurovision2017
A man of many parts. None of them small. #Croatia #Eurovision2017
Who knew eyebrow paint was a thing? Everyone has it. But only #Australia have clown shoes and a love that don't come cheap #Eurovision2017
That's the worst response to 'Guys, give yourselves a cheer' I have ever heard #Eurovision2017
The Eurobynumbers department decrees an annual 'throw everything at it' tune. #Greece #Eurovision2017
Never heard it before and got the drum-join bang on. Clap your hands and do it for your lover. #Spain #Eurovision2017
When changing key always agree the key to change to #Eurovision2017
#Norway #Eurovision2017 When it's all or nuffin, put your nerves in the coffin. Cool.
Here's the Brexit test. OK but Midge Ure did it better #UK #Eurovision2017
Let me be your gravity. Science lesson needed. Song not without merit. #Cyprus #Eurovision2017
Rap and yodel. No. Come back. Come back. #Romania #Eurovision2017
The four favourite Euro chords - rhythm Every Breath You Take by The Police. Stands a chance. #Germany #Eurovision2017
Band piercing a plenty. Song less so. Heavy man. #Ukraine #Eurovision2017
Quite under-stated. Nice. Bit like a theme tune to scandinoir #Belgium #Eurovision2017
Is it OK to say frickin? #Eurovision2017
Frickin slick or is it freakin? Tune Beverley Hills Flop #Sweden #Eurovision2017
Quite an accomplished performance for 17. Stands a chance. #Bulgaria #Eurovision2017
Changed direction faster than a Compass in a magnet factory. Legs should win some votes. #France #Eurovision2017
Well done Ukraine for hammering through 26 songs in two hours #Eurovision2017
We're still loved by Iceland then. Trying to hold off the cod war #Eurovision2017
I think a new tension-cranking device has been introduced #Eurovision2017
To finish, I was delighted to spot that Bulgaria stood a chance. They came second. Had no idea that Portugal would walk it. Enjoyed the new voting system so you genuinely don't know who will be winning until right near the end.
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